There’s a Right Way (and a Wrong Way) to Inform People When a Loved One Has Passed
8 Tips to help you avoid causing additional pain
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When I was 22, one of my best friends died. It’s hard to talk about this as my experience because, in many ways, it was a collective journey. Hazel died less than six months after graduating college, so every part of her story is full of friends and classmates, family and supporters. When she passed, I was acutely aware of all of the other people who lost her alongside me. As one of Hazel’s many close friends, it felt like we processed and grieved her death as one.
Hazel’s passing was not the first I’d weathered, but it did mark the first time I was tasked with notifying others. Moments after she passed, a classmate who’d been in the room as Hazel took her last breath called to break the news. I remember falling to the floor, I remember tears, and I remember my roommate hugging me and pulling me back into myself.
Thinking back on this 12 years later, I feel horrible about that moment: My roommate was a part of our close-knit friendship circle and my wail of pain was how she found out that Hazel was gone. While I pulled myself together and watched my roomie begin to process the news, a million thoughts flooded my mind. Who do I tell next? How do I make sure people don’t find out on social media? Who should I find in person and who should I call? What do I say? How do I break this news to her girlfriend?
We’d all known that Hazel was dying, but no one had prepared us for what to do once she actually succumbed to her illness. It may seem macabre, but I could have used a guide on what to do in those next few moments. I did the best I could, but I definitely have regrets about how I informed others.
Since Hazel, I’ve been spared the responsibility of notifying others when a loved one dies, however, I know that one day I’ll have to do it again. After all, death is the one part of life guaranteed from the moment we are born.
In an effort to help you avoid making the mistakes I made (and a few I’ve witnessed), here are 8 tips for informing others that the people they love have passed on.
